Conflict Resolution Principles
Dr. Richard Shropshire - The Barnabas Connection
1. Don't avoid conflict using the silent treatment - either as a mean to avoid controversy OR as a weapon to control, frustrate, or manipulate your spouse
2. Don't save emotional trading stamps
- Appropriately express all strong emotion, not allowing it to accumulate
- Accumulated irritations expressed to manipulate your partner become a sadistic and emotionally crippling tool for getting one's own way
- Keep a short "sin list"
3. If possible, prepare the setting for disagreement - seek the best time and place where there will be no interruptions
4. Attack the problem, not each other - remember wild horses versus wild jackasses
5. Don't "throw" your feelings at your spouse - remember the effect of "venting" - remember, we choose what we will overtly express
6. Stay on the subject -
- Try to discover what it is that you are really arguing about
- Try to discover what need is not being met
- The answer may sometimes surprise you
- Often we can't see the strong points of our mate because we are so focused on their weaknesses
7. If you must offer criticisms, do so with solutions - however, do not try to be your mate's "holy spirit"
8. Never say, "You always . . ." or "You never . . ." - increases the difficulty of finding solutions or shuts down the conversation
9. Don't use criticism to be a comedian - humor at your partner's expense is never funny, especially in public - and is never productive
